i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
