Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
