u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
