did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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