I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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