omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
