Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
