So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Come see our sink grown plant.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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