I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
