Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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