sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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