i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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