She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
