i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
being pregnant is like rehab
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
