I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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