so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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