Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
