Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
