he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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