First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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