i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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