I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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