i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I know her cup size but not her name....
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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