answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
