Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
