Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
