I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize