we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
