I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We need to get me chipped asap
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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