Where did you get a picture of my penis
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
