Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
