Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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