Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
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I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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