you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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