so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
