insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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