I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
