did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
