Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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