my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
