Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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