she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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