my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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