dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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