y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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