last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
