Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
