We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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