highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
