Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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