I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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