i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
