y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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