After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
