he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
