And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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