Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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