Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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