So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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