I heard we made out
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
