does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
