I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Who died my cat blue again?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize